Life

I'm recycling a message that I sent to Genevieve Kelly, a friend from back home, earlier today. After I was finished writing it, I realized it might be a bit "over the top," but it is an excellent description of my experience in Ghana thus far and I figured I would share it with everybody. In response to Gen's inquiry about my life, I responded:

"'The unexamined life is not worth living.' - Socrates

Ghana has been fantastic thus far! I've met some really awesome people from all over the world, but few are nicer than those sweet Southern girls from UNC. I've been able to travel nearly every weekend throughout Ghana. My classes, while not that academically stimulating in and of themselves, have afforded me the opportunity to do some independent research into the subject matters of refugee movements and international conflict, which has been incredibly insightful. I'm reading more, thinking about the future more, thinking about LIFE more! I'm examining myself, who I am, and what I want out of life. I'm listening to the words of Socrates. This has been one of the most important undertakings of my life! Thanks for asking..."

Last night, I sat out on my porch with the lights turned off, listening to Miles Davis go to town on his trumpet and tears began to well up in my eyes. I'm not homesick. In fact, I've loved every minute that I've been in Ghana thus far (with the exception of Saturdays when I know I'm missing a Penn State football game or during my occasional bouts of 'Ghanarrhea'), but for some reason the tears came. I was thinking about my childhood; how I miss that old "Sunday ritual," of waking up early to go to church, coming home and having a delicious home-cooked lunch complements of Mom, playing backyard football with the guys in the neighborhood, and not having a care in the world! Then it hit me. I wasn't sad because I missed those moments from my childhood, but because I didn't fully appreciate them back in the day. Memories will stay with me for a lifetime and can always bring a smile to my face, but as much as I want to, I can never go back to those good 'ole days. Never again in my life will I be as carefree as I was back then. I will always have something on my mind, something that worries me (student loans, rent, groceries, electical bills, a marriage, kids, etc.), that keeps me distracted from fully enjoying life.

I've been having a very difficult time lately figuring what I want out of life. Should I go to grad school, law school, get a job right out of college? What career should I pursue? How will I pay off my student loans? Where will I live after college? Who will I spend the rest of my life with? Will I spend the rest of my life with anybody? How can I provide my kids with the life that I always wanted? I've been trying to figure out the answer to these questions all on my own, which was the wrong way of going about it. Right in the middle of my thoughts, tears, and music, I started praying. I asked God to show me a path for my life that fits His will. After about a half an hour of sitting in complete silence (as I turned my computer off at this point), I felt at peace. A peace that I haven't felt in years. I wasn't worried about ANYTHING for the first time since I was probably ten years old! Now, I still don't know what I want to do after graduation (or even when I will graduate; a year early, a semester early?), but I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Together, God and I will find a way for me to serve Him that will bring me the satisfaction of my childhood. Someday, I will find the peace of mind that I felt on Sunday afternoons during my childhood. I will relive those good 'old days!